Hello again, LSU Tiger Fans,
I’m going to get right to it today. What in the world is it with the pirate ship at Raymond James Stadium that y’all (see what I did there?) are so dadgum fascinated with? That thing gets mentioned in every article or Les Miles interview I watch or read! You know it doesn’t move right? You know it’s there as a dec-or-aye-tion? It’s there because the NFL team that plays there on Sundays are the Buccaneers and people their namesake is derived from sail around in pirate ships. Are you looking for some kind of an excursion to take while watching the game, thinking you’ll be lulled to sleep by our corn fed running backs kicking up 3 yards and a cloud of precious topsoil? Well, let me remind you that you can get your boat ride fix at any one of the fine marinas available in the Tampa/Clearwater/St. Petes area. They even offer deep sea fishing trips! I did one once, had a blast, and caught fish! But the other thing I have to take exception with is that you guys think you’re so high and mighty that your coach has to call that boat a “schooner”. A Schooner? Are you trying to impress us with your gulf-of-mexicali vessel sophistication? We’ll, we’re not impressed. The fact of the matter is it still seems y’all can’t sell all your tickets and your athletic department has to think of fancy giveaway schemes to entice you and whet your appetite. Then all the sudden that, um, “schooner” takes center stage offering you what must be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch a football game whilst taking a leisurely cruise through paradise. I can just imagine it as Emeril says to Agnes, “Haiy Baiby, let’s saiy we head on dowyn to that Taympa Ball an cheg aught dat schyooner.”
Anyway, back to football. I know our guys will be preparing this week for your fill-in quarterback, Mr. Jennings. This will certainly present a challenge in our historically epic bowl preparation activities. Your guy is unproven, but nonetheless skilled or he wouldn’t be a Tiger. No doubt, I’m sure the sentiment there is that, as a 2nd stringer there, he is a starter anywhere in the B1G. To be honest, I am a bit uneasy – not as in The Big Uneasy – but it’s that he’s a very mobile quarterback, apparently. We Hawkeye fans cringe at that thought because it isn’t something we’re used to seeing our guys stop on a routine basis. We have way too many memories of dominating the game only to have that mobile quarterback pick up a critical 3rd and long situation with his legs with less than 2 minutes remaining. I can think of that exact situation with Terrell Pryor, with Braxton Miller, with flippin’ Dan Persa, with countless other read-option quarterbacks. But, alas, we’ve finally learned that two can play that game and we have a trick pony in Jake Rudock that can do that whole read-option thing, too. I’ll warn you right now, we can even do that sneaky naked bootleg to perfection. Just when you think we’ve lulled your Ivan Drago’s to sleep with the Mark Weisman4Heisman off tackle run play after play after play and – BAM! – naked boot to the left with a wide open tight end floating like an anchored bateau in the end zone. Uh-huh…that’s right. Look that one up.
So we’re at 13 days, that’s less than 2 weeks and counting! Grab your life jackets and head on down to the stadium built on the Black Pearl . I’ll be watching from my semi-circle couch on the HD big screen, that is unless I’ve proven to you just how much fun I am to be around with and you want to lug me along on your nickel while I continuously save every available pretty penny preparing for next year’s Rose Bowl against a worthy opponent. I mean who isn’t just a little more than curious to see what would happen when a Hawk’s eye takes on a duck as people throw roses?
Talk t’ y’all laiyter! Go Hawks!
PS – By the way, I love Emeril. He taught me how to cook.
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